Can't Get No Satisfaction
by Flagg1991
Summary: Clyde's abnormally small penis can't satisfy Penelope...luckily his best friend Lincoln Loud's giant monster schlong can. Oneshot. d.felipe76 request. Cover by Raganoxer.


Penelope sighed, planted her elbow into the arm of the couch, and rested her chin in her upturned palm. Next to her, her boyfriend Clyde put his hand on her leg; she brushed it away. "What's the matter, babe?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said.

On Clyde's other side, Lincoln, his hands laced behind his head and his legs crossed, favored them with a sidelong glance.

"You been trippin' all day," Clyde said, "you on the rag or something?"

"No," Penelope said. "Leave me alone."

Clyde shook his head and muttered a bad word under his breath: It started with a 'B' and ended with an "itch." Penelope didn't care, though. Clyde could call her whatever he wanted...at least _she_ wasn't the one with a literal micropenis. Really, Clyde was so small that when he was soft it was basically an innie. When it was hard, it looked like one of those Mike and Ike's candies you buy at the movies; it was like being fucked by a spaghetti noodle. At least it never lasted long: Two pumps and he was done, shaking and grunting and making ugly faces. "Oh, yeah, baby," he'd say, "who's your big, hung, black, strong, masculine, sex god daddy?"

She came close to saying _not you_ a couple times. It was horrible: She was so sexually frustrated she could scream.

"Hey, Linc, you and Ronnie Anne going steady yet?" Clyde asked. His scrawny arms were crossed over his pigeon chest.

Lincoln shook his head. "I'm starting to think she's frigid."

I'm _not frigid,_ Penelope thought, _I'm red hot_. And she was: The heat radiating from between her thighs was driving her mad. She crossed and recrossed her legs, but that only made her hornier. Ugh.

"Women are more trouble than they're worth," Clyde said. "Always got attitude and shit."

Penelope's face flushed with anger.

Lincoln nodded slowly. "Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna hit the pisser."

He got up and scurried up the stairs.

"You really need to chill your ass," Clyde said, "you're being a total cunt."

Penelope turned on him, her fists balling. "Fuck you."

"Right here?" he asked with a smug grin. He laid back on the couch, opened his legs, and grabbed his crotch. "Maybe Lincoln's little sisters will happen by and like what they see."

"You're _sick_ ," Penelope said.

"Lana with her pigtails...mmm-mmm good! You keep being a dumb bitch, I might have to leave you and put the moves on her."

"She's six, you pervert."

Clyde shrugged. "You know what they say: If she's old enough to count, she's old enough to mount."

He barked mean-spirited laughter and Penelope shook her head.

"Now Lilly...the way she fills that diaper...um. And how she walks around with no shirt on. Day-um. That's enough to drive a man crazy."

"Maybe she'd actually _feel_ something when you fucked her."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

All of the anger and sexual frustration welled up inside of her, and she snapped. "It means your dick is small and you're a minute man."

Clyde sat up, his face twisted in rage. "My dick isn't small, your pussy's just loose. Your daddy must have gotten to it before me."

Penelope jumped up. "You know my father died!"

Clyde nodded. "Oh, yeah. Shot himself, right?"

Tears flooded Penelope's eyes. Her father did, indeed, shoot himself after a long battle with clinical depression. She felt his loss every day as a sharp ache in her heart.

Clyde's eyes flashed with malice. "He did it to get away from _you_."

" _Fuck you, no dick!"_ Penelope screamed, and stormed up the stairs, giving into her tears. She hated him! She hoped he died.

She needed to be alone; she didn't want anyone to see her crying. Without thinking, she went to the bathroom and opened the door. Lincoln was standing at the toilet, his back to her. When he heard the door, he turned, and through the blurry veil of her tears, Penelope saw something.

Something she liked.

"Whoa!" he cried, his dick in his hand.

It was _big_...at least ten inches...and _thick_. A throbbing blue vein ran down the side and terminated at a bulging knot at his base. Her jaw dropped open. "Oh my God."

Lincoln was blushing furiously as he tucked it back into his underwear.

"No! Wait!" Penelope said. "It's nice."

"Uh..."

Her feet started moving of their own accord, all the pent-up passion filling her stomach like hot lead. Her center moistened and her nipples ached as they grew erect. Her tongue flicked out and ran across her bottom lip and her pupils dilated. She was like a lioness closing in on its prey.

Lincoln gulped. "W-What are you doing?"

Without speaking, she dropped to her knees in front of him, eye-level now with his crotch. His musky scent found her nostrils, and his virile heat caressed her face like a phantom hand. Her heart pounded and her core quaked.

Lincoln looked down at her with wide, uncertain eyes. "Uh...Penelope."

"Your dick," she said, "it's beautiful." She reached out and hooked her fingers into the waistband of his briefs, then yanked: His rapidly inflating dick popped out, his tip brushing her chin and lips, making her shiver with delight.

Gulping, Lincoln tried to take a step back, but bumped into the toilet. "Penelope..."

She wrapped her fingers around his shaft, and he jumped. It was warm and full in her hand. "This isn't right," he said, "y-your Clyde's girlfriend."

"Fuck him," she said, "he treats me like shit and his dick is so small I can't even feel it. He can't make me cum and I'm _so_ frustrated...but _this_ glorious rod can make me cum." She ran her fingers along his dick, and he sighed, his head tilting back. "It's so amazing," she said, hovering her hungry lips inches from his leaking tip, "so big, and thick, and manly, and perfect, and –" here words cut off as she took him in her mouth, her lips and tongue grazing his burning flesh slowly. He moaned and shivered. His precum coated her mouth and his head poked the back of her throat. She drew back, and plunged down again, her cheeks bulging as his massive, Herculean meat strained against the insides of her mouth.

He let out a shivery sigh and threaded his fingers through her hair. "Oh, Penelope," he muttered as she increased her speed, her lips gliding back and forth over his slick shaft. She was getting wetter, and her body burned for him.

His moans and his taste were driving her wild. Finally, she could take it no longer. She spit him out and looked up at him. "I need you in me _now_."

Lincoln nodded.

She got up, turned, and yanked down her pants. He grabbed her by the hips, and his battering ram of a dick prodded her oozing hole, making her jump and tingle all over. "Please, fuck me! Show me how a _real_ man does it!"

Obliging, Lincoln bent her over and pressed his tip against her opening. "Yes! Fuck me, daddy Lincoln!"

Lincoln pulled back and surged forward, his mighty beef tube parting her lips and slamming deep into her. She cried out in a mixture of pleasure and pain. She felt like he was going to split her in half...and she _liked_ it.

"Damn, you're tight," Lincoln moaned.

"I'm practically a virgin," she said.

Lincoln slammed into her again, and she bit her bottom lip against a scream. Holding her hips tight, he picked up the pace and established a frenetic rhythm, his crowned tip scraping against her itchy walls and satisfying her in a way that Clyde _never_ could.

Suddenly, he let go of her right hip, reached his hand around, and started to rub her clit. The added sensation was enough to push her over the edge, and she groaned as her body clamped around him. "I'm cumming! I'm finally cumming unlike I did with Clyde and his teeny, tiny embarrassing baby dick!"

Lincoln thrusted one more time, and then swelled inside of her. He bared his teeth and hissed as he erupted, his hot, creamy cum shooting into her and filling her womb.

For a moment they were still, both of them panting in the warm afterglow of their extraordinary sex.

They both jumped when they heard a gasp at the door.

"P-Penelope?" Clyde stammered, his eyes wide and pooled with shock. His lips quivered.

"Fuck off, loser," Penelope said, pulling away from Lincoln; his seed gushed out and spilled down the back of her legs. "You couldn't please me." She pulled up her pants and underwear. "But Lincoln can."

Clyde blinked back tears. "L-Lincoln...how could you? That's my girl!"

"She's with me now," Lincoln said, and slipped an arm around Penelope's shoulders.

Clyde's face turned red. "You're a bastard and she's a bitch!"

Lincoln tensed. "What did you just call my girl?"

"Fuck you. You're a piece of shit and I...I'm gonna beat you up!" He threw his wrists limply up and hooked his fingers; turning his head to the side and issuing a high, girlish scream, he ran at Lincoln with long, prancing steps. Lincoln stepped away from Penelope, cocked his fist, and threw a powerful punch that connected with Clyde's jaw: Clyde flew back through the bathroom door and down the hall. "Oh, shit!" Lynn cried from her room when she saw him sailing past. She ran into the hall when he landed, looked at Lincoln, then knelt over Clyde's twitching, broken body.

"You got knocked the fuck out!"

Penelope hugged Lincoln. "You're my hero." Then: "I know how we can get him back. I have connections in the AV club."

* * *

Two weeks later the whole school packed into the auditorium for an assembly. Lincoln and Penelope sat together, and Clyde sat three rows back, his arms crossed sullenly and his eyes boring into the backs of his former girlfriend and best friend. His jaw was wired shut and he had to eat all of his meals through a straw.

The principal stood behind a podium. "We will watch a short video on the dangers of drunk driving."

A screen descended from the ceiling and the lights went out. When the video started, the screen showed not a presentation on impaired driving, but a video of Clyde standing in the middle of his room stark naked save for a frilly bra. A big white dildo jutted from his ass. His erection was microscopic.

"Clyde McBride, Clyde McBride," he sang to the tune of the _Batman_ theme song, "sexy as fuck on every side." He thrusted his hips and pumped his arms.

The entire auditorium burst out laughing. Clyde's face turned beet red and he sank down in his seat as everyone turned and pointed at him, laughing hysterically.

Lincoln jumped up and yelled out. "Hey, let's hear it for Baby Dick McBride!"

"Ba-by DICK! Ba-by DICK!" everyone chanted.

Clyde broke down crying.

"Ba-by DICK! Ba-by DICK! Ba-by DICK!"

The teasing thereafter was so bad that he had to change schools. The last anyone heard of him, he had to fuck his new girlfriend with a vibrator because he couldn't satisfy her...and she cheats on him every chance she gets.

Poor girl. Penelope knew what that was like.

 _Knew_.

Now she's never unsatisfied because Lincoln has the dick, stamina, and skills of a Roman god.

You could say she wouldn't trade him for the world.


End file.
